W. C. R. T.

--Jessie Lee, A3, 6-21-2005

I am a mother of two boys—Kyle and Joshua!  Sometimes, they are as cute as angels, but sometimes, they are a pain in the neck.  Right after I came back from my second honey moon to Japan in April, I was called to the school by Kyle’s teacher five times in three weeks!  His misbehavior made me angry, embarrassed and heart-broken!  I felt I was such a lousy mother.  I didn’t know how to bring out the best in him.  Then, one Sunday morning, when I was driving to the church, I saw a T-bar with an ad on it-- “I.C.R.T.”  It inspired me.  “Have your own channel with your boys, Jessie!”  So I prayed to God; I read tons of books on parenting; and I talked to experienced mothers in Fluency.  I finally set up my own channel, W.C.R.T., to communicate with my two boys.  When it is on, it helps me to keep my cool.  It reduces yelling and screaming.  It generates more love and laughter.  Now let’s tune in to my W.C.R.T., Jessie!  

W stands for wisdom.  Being a mother of two mischievous boys, I have to be witted.  I need to beat them with great wisdom.  In the Bible, James 1:5, it promises that, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God… and it will be given to him.”  So, when a situation comes, I would “time myself out” to check with my “manager,” my Lord, and ask myself, “What would Jesus do (W.W.J.D.) in this kind of situation?”  As long as I remember to check with Him before I lose my cool, I always can “nip it in the bud”--stop a bad situation from getting worse.  Once, Joshua was whining really loud.  Then the telephone rang.  I figured out I wouldn’t be able to hear anything if I answer the phone.  I looked up at my “manager” and asked, “What would Jesus do?”  Then, I held his hands and looked at him in the eyes and said, “Mommy has to answer the phone.  Do you want the person who calls to hear ‘hello’ from me or ‘boo-hoo’ from you?”  Then, Joshua started to hold his tears in his eyes and zipped his mouth.  Whew!  Simply by pausing for a couple of seconds to check with my “manager,” I usually come up with better ways to deal with the hot potatoes in hand. 

C stands for communication.  I am a well-trained Toastmaster and I teach communication in universities.  Yet, I sometimes find myself tilting more towards command and even condemnation when working with my own boys.  I remember one morning, we were running up late for school, but Kyle was still making a fuss.  When we finally hopped into the car, I almost blew my head off.  I nagged him all the way to school.  With all the condemnation, Kyle walked into the classroom with his head dropping down like a defeated rooster.  When I drove away, I started to cool down.  Then I realized, “What a terrible mom I was to make a six-year-old boy start his day like that!”  As I was heading to my “Speech and Communication” class that day, a thought hit me—be a Toastmaster at home!  So, I started to apply my Toastmasters skills with the boys.  Now, I listen before I speak.  I talk to them in a more positive, encouraging, and humorous way.  And I give “sandwich evaluation” instead of simply finding faults.  I finally understand that when things go out of my way, only true communication will lead my boys and me to the gate of “win-win.”

R stands for rules.  Kids need rules to follow.  They need to be taught that there are consequences to their choices.  Talking about setting rules, almost all the authorities on parenting or discipline, such as Dr. James Dobson, the writer of Parenting Isn’t for Cowards, Dr. Larry Keefauver, the author of Seventy-Seven Irrefutable Truths of Parenting, and Ron Clark, who wrote The Essential 55, emphasize “say what you mean and mean what you say.”  After reading these books, I also set up some rules with my boys.  For example, if they hit others with their toys on purpose, their toys will be dumped to the recycling bin.  Two weeks ago, Kyle and Joshua got into a fight before bed.  Joshua hit Kyle with his batman toy.  POW!  It really hurt.  When I reminded him of the consequence, Joshua started to cry hysterically.  After a couple minutes, I held him in my arms and said, “Joshua, I know you’re sad, but you know the rule.  So, now, do you want Daddy to throw it away for you, or do you want to do it by yourself?”  He finally answered with tears all over his face, “By myself!”  So, his daddy walked him out with a huge umbrella in a pouring rain.  Before Joshua put his batman down to the recycling bin, he even burst into crying for another 5 seconds.  I watched the whole scene from the patio on the fourth floor.  I felt sad for little Joshua, but I knew I had to make it fair, firm and consistent.  Now, the two boys have really learned the rule from that lesson.

T stands for tender loving care/ TLC.    Kids need a lot of TLC to grow up.  They need to know they are accepted no matter how many mistakes they make.  But for a period of time, some people told me, “If you spare the rod, you would spoil the child.”  They suggested me to buy a stick called “little loving hand.”  They said, “Just spank them really hard for a couple times and they will learn to behave.”  So, I tried it out.  It did work.  It released my anger too.  But, pretty soon, I found that when I had the “little loving hand” in my hand, the two boys did not feel any love in their hearts but just the pain in their butts.  After reading the books, Recipes from Parenting, written by Sandy McDaniel, and How to Really Love Your Child, written by Ross Campell, I’m now clear that if a child gets enough TLC to meet his need, he would behave in a nicer way.  Love is the foundation.  Love is the most powerful force that drives our children to meet our expectation, if we love them the way they need.  Now I have learned to “love first, teach second.”  And I found that when I fill their buckets with tender loving care and full attention, they are apples in my eyes. 

I think having high EQ is one of the biggest challenges most parents face in working with their children.  I used to struggle with it too.  But now, with this W.C.R.T. channel, things become easier.  When a situation comes, I would tune myself in to “W.C.R.T.”  I would ask God for wisdom to deal with it.  I try to communicate with them instead of criticizing them.  I set the rules and make them fair, firm and consistent.  I assure them with tender loving care before and after I teach them.  With this W.C.R.T. channel, parenting is no longer a mission impossible or a nightmare to me.  I believe if I keep listening to it and practicing it, my two little trouble makers will turn to be a great blessing from God!  So, stay tune with W.C.R.T., Jessie!